it's all well and good to inflate cows, but you're just hanging noodle
by Fortune Maiden
Summary: In which Nanao gives Ichiro a gift, and everyone suffers the consequences… [a Happy Kiss story]


**it's all well and good to inflate cows, but you're just hanging noodles on ears**

 _In which Nanao gives Ichiro a gift, and everyone suffers the consequences..._

* * *

"You know, I may have just gone too far this time," Nanao says one afternoon with a soft sigh. To anyone unfamiliar with him, he would have sounded remorseful, but Ryoma and Kyotaro don't miss the sparkle in his eye or the faint trace of his catlike grin when he raises his teacup.

They're not entirely certain what it is he's pretending to regret at the moment. There's a growing list of things that trace back to him, but perhaps the most pressing is Taishi in the far corner of the clubroom scrolling through something on his smartphone and grumbling under his breath.

He was like that when the three of them came in. Like any good friends, they tried to reach out but all they got was a sharp retort that may or may not have been in another language, so they left it at that. Taishi's grumbling was quiet at any rate so it was easy to ignore in favor of teatime.

Still, Ryoma can't help but be reassuring. "Not even you could have known it would turn out like _this_ , Wakura-senpai," he says. Nanao just hums and shrugs his shoulders, as if to admit he did, but Ryoma knows that even if he's unrepentant about it, he's no happier with the current situation than the rest of them. He's lost control of it, after all.

"Chiro's enthusiasm is more fearsome than we thought," Kyotaro mutters, shaking his head. It's way past the time for his afternoon nap, but there are too many words swirling around in his head that he just can't seem to ignore. He's pretty sure he knows what they all mean but somehow they just don't quite fit together and it bothers him. Not even the ever ever-looming rainclouds outside can bring back his drowsiness. "And I think it broke Tai-Tai."

"Taishi, the tea's getting cold," Ryoma tries, but when there's no response, he silently concedes they lost him and sits down next to Kyotaro. Today's snack is sugar cookies, so he helps himself to one. At least something in his life still makes sense. "This is what, day three now?"

"Feels longer," Kyotaro says. "My head hurts."

"Ichiro-kun is surprisingly tenacious," Nanao says somberly. "I didn't think he would like my little gift that much. It may well be the first book he's ever read cover to cover."

"Well you did tell him to," Ryoma points out. "Your exact words were "Ichiro-kun, make sure you read this book very carefully. You'll sound very sophisticated if you learn these."" His impression of Nanao is spot-on, and Kyotaro instinctively shudders.

"He was so excited, I couldn't help teasing him a little," Nanao says. "But if I knew he really would study so earnestly, I would have stuck with Japanese idioms."

"Yeah…those we can understand at least," Kyotaro says with a yawn. He pauses for a moment to see if sleep will finally come, but the drowsiness quickly passes. He's still thinking about the crocodile in the wallet factory.

Ichiro is still nowhere to be seen. They'd run into him earlier on their way up to the clubroom when he mentioned needing to change the fish's water and ran off. He didn't have any fish as far as anyone knew. It was just another phrase from that sinister book Nanao gave him.

When Nanao had promised to buy Ichiro a guide to idioms a few days earlier, it had been easy enough to ignore as a harmless quip _._ Even Ichiro hadn't taken his words too seriously. And with everything else happening at the time, it was easy to forget about that matter completely.

But Nanao didn't forget. Once things quieted down, he made good on his promise, and presented Ichiro with a colorful little book one morning. The title was _Idioms From Around the World_.

"Ichiro-kun, make sure you read this book very carefully," he had said with fervor in his gaze. "You'll sound very sophisticated if you learn these."

And learn them Ichiro did. According to Taishi, he had spent that entire day ignoring the teachers in favor of reading the book, and by the time club activities came around that afternoon, he had been quite eager to show off the fruits of his labor.

It had been cute then. Ichiro would pepper his speech with all sorts of random idioms, and the others would tease him for it. Nanao in particular had been very encouraging. But on the second day, it started feeling a little overwhelming when it became clear that no one actually knew what he was saying. By day three, they realized with mounting horror that there was no off switch. The book hadn't even been that thick! Where were all those foreign idioms coming from?

"We should do something," Ryoma says seriously. "We need to stage an intervention."

"Nanao-san, you should just tell him to stop," Kyotaro says. "If it's you, he'll listen."

"Yes, you're probably right," Nanao agrees without too much fuss. He glances over at Taishi, still mumbling in the corner, and sighs dramatically. "For Taishi-kun's sake at least." None had been more perturbed by Ichiro's idioms than him.

With that plan set, they await Ichiro's return. They soon hear him run up the steps—two steps at a time, naturally—and he then throws open the clubroom door with a hearty, "Hey guys!"

"Welcome , Ichiro-kun," Nanao says to him. "Please, have a seat."

"Woah, what's with the stepmother faces?" he says, as a series of pained looks cross his upperclassmen.

"Still talking like that, I see," Nanao sighs. "Ichiro-kun, listen—

"You!" Taishi suddenly yells, leaping up from his seat in the corner, face livid. All heads swivel to him as he stomps past the desks, slamming down his phone on one as he passes, and closes in dangerously on Ichiro. "I have been waiting for you."

"Taishi?" Ichiro steps back nervously. "Are you okay? You're, like, emitting smoke from seven orifices."

"Shut up. You think you're the last bite on a mango, don't you?" he scowls. "Well the shoe is on the other foot now!"

 _"What?_ " Ryoma sputters, as Ichiro's eyes widen, before his face lights up with an enthusiastic smile. Nanao picks up the phone Taishi left on the table. He effortlessly unlocks it and opens up the web browser.

"Ah, so that's what he was doing," he says, and hands it to Ryoma.

"Oh no." Ryoma's voice cracks as he soon as he sees the web page. Kyotaro looks over his shoulder, groans, and puts his head down on the table.

"This just got interesting again," Nanao muses, and gets up to pour himself a fresh cup of tea.

Ichiro meanwhile bounces in place excitedly. "Taishi, you read the book too?" he asks. "Isn't this great? It's a roll with butter."

"You're just blowing ducks!" Taishi yells. "You've fallen off the Christmas tree and need to pull the pins out of your ears. You're as clear as mud."

"There's no cow on ice," Ichiro simply replies without missing a beat. "But hey is this like showing water to someone? You're on!"

"I'll pour water over your head!"

"Make it stooooop," Ryoma whines and covers his ears before dropping his head onto the desk as the colorful idioms continue. It's gone from one incomprehensible first year to two now. Kyotaro and Nanao, the latter armed with a fresh cup of tea, continue to watch the exchange.

"Taishi-kun must have felt threatened by Ichiro-kun's newfound wisdom," Nanao observes.

"Can't have our paragon of old-lady trivia be outmatched," Kyotaro agrees. "What're they saying though?"

"I don't know. Ryoma-kun, please translate."

Ryoma makes a strangled noise, but dutifully sits up and opens up the web browser again. There are at least 10 tabs of foreign idiom lists open, and just one makes his head spin.

"Um, let's see…" he browses through the list as his ears try to pick up key words of the "discussion". "Taishi's mostly insulting Ichiro. Ichiro…okay, that was something about postponing chores…traveling without a ticket…feeding a donkey cake—wait, no that's the idiom—Ugh I can't keep up!" Ryoma leans back in his chair defeated. Admittedly, he lasted longer than expected, and Nanao comforts him as Kyotaro takes the phone.

He scrolls through some of the opened tabs, hums to himself, makes a few faces, and then shakes his head. "I think they're just jumping from the cock to the donkey."

"Huh?"

"Kyotaro, don't you start too!"

"It's a French idiom. Means they're talking illogically. I think they're just shouting random idioms they learned."

Ryoma and Nanao consider this and listen to the conversation again.

"You're pedaling in sauerkraut."

"We can sharpen an axe on your head."

"You let yourself get bought for an apple and an egg."

"When dogs were tied with sausages…"

Ryoma nods feverishly. "Yes. That makes sense. Okay. Definitely." It sounds like nonsense to him at this point anyway. Nanao takes back the phone, and reads through a few idioms himself.

"I'm impressed though. France, China, America, Chile…they've certainly built up an international repertoire."

"Are they even using them correctly?" Ryoma asks.

"Ichiro, no. Taishi, maybe," Nanao replies without missing a beat. Ryoma frowns.

"Somehow, I'm starting to feel like we should apologize to every country out there."

Nanao just smiles and shrugs. Kyotaro meanwhile, satisfied with the excuse that nothing is supposed to make sense anyway, puts his head down in an attempt to take another nap.

"It's probably fine," he says, words slurred. "They're having fun, I think. And with Tai-Tai on the offensive, Chiro's bound to run out eventually."

"Let's just hope Taishi doesn't decide he likes speaking in foreign idioms himself," Ryoma says seriously. He's heard enough of them to last a lifetime, and he's pretty certain something is being lost in translation anyway.

"As long as they're having fun, I guess," Nanao decides, somewhat warily, but then chuckles to himself. "Besides, it's like the little ones have their own secret language now."

An incomprehensible, somewhat obnoxious secret language, but Ichiro's smile is bright, and Taishi's eyes are shining despite his fierce impression, so it's okay to leave it like this for now.

"I see the sun on your back," Ichiro says happily.

"Heh. Can't stop being an owl, can you?" Taishi replies proudly.

Probably.

* * *

 **AN:** Thanks for reading! :D I honestly couldn't resist writing this after Episode 6 (because Nanao trolling Ichiro with a book of foreign idioms just felt _so right_ ) and it was really fun to put together haha (though I honestly wish I had more creativity for the actual idiom convo)

I really am fascinated by all of the different sayings around the world (some of them are just so fun!) I probably did not use all of the idioms correctly though, so, uh...don't think too hard about! This isn't meant to be taken seriously at all! But I hope you enjoyed this fic! :)

FF doesn't allow links, but if you're curious about my sources for these idioms, google "Idioms around the world" and take the first few results. It's a fun read! :D


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